Locked in the Sanctuary
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Description: Hisoka hears a certain song and lapses into unpleasant memories.


**Fandom: Yami No Matsuei  
Title: Locked in the Sanctuary.  
Pairing: Tsuzuki + Hisoka  
Description: Hisoka hears a certain song and lapses into unpleasant memories.**

**Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei isn****'****t mine. Megami and the lyrics are mine. Megami is from an original fic I made.  
**  
"When someone special comes, you won't need that anymore, Hisoka," the woman said as she patted my head.  
"What do you mean?" I looked up to the woman in calmness though I was confused inside.

She explained: "If that person truly loves you, no matter what happens, they will truly accept you. Despite everything…"  
**  
Locked in the Sanctuary  
By Miyamoto Yui  
**  
I took a walk that day and meandered through the city without a particular destination. But I guess fate just draws you to where it wants when you are most vulnerable. In times of being lost, you find where you should be.

Or where you shouldn't.

I looked up to find myself in front of a music store. As I wandered in, I glanced around aimlessly. Among the racks of cds and cassettes, I was in a trance.

_It_ was playing on the speakers. Megami Nemutteiruno's "Locked in the Sanctuary":

**"****Shiritai.  
Ano toki, wasuretai.  
Demo, kimi no me  
Wasurenai.**

**Dokomade mo  
Ikitai yo.  
East, West, North, South.  
Demo, iru ka?  
Loku shite  
Kakurete itte  
Kono heya no naka de****…**

**Kokoro ga yowai, ne?  
Soshite,  
Samui ni naritai.  
If I become that way,  
Then I can keep my heart alive,  
Where it****'****s actually dead.**

**Shiritai.  
Ano bashou wasuretai  
Demo, boku no te  
Wasurenai.**

**Aoi****. ****Akai****.****  
The blood flows.  
Dokomade mo  
Demo, kono jinsei ga  
Jibun wo kimeta?  
Kowashita gurasu  
Kono kokoro no naka de****...**

**Omoi ga tsuyoi ne?  
Soshite,  
Hi ni naritai.  
If I become that way,  
Then I can keep myself alive,  
Where I can hurt no more.**

**(instrumental)**

**Kokoro ga yowai, ne?  
Ningen to ningyo  
Kono line ga****…**

**Nai.**

**If that****'****s so,  
I****'****ll lock myself in  
My own sanctuary****…"**

You'd think that any OTHER song would be playing at places like these, but no. To give a variety, they played _that _song?

My hands began to shake and so I stood there until it was done. I then calmly put down the cd I was looking at and walked out of the store quickly. But since I came back way too early, I sat in my seat looking towards the window thinking about things I shouldn't have.

I first heard that song when I was about seven years old…

I wish I could runaway. But running away doesn't solve anything.

I looked around and sat in my room quietly while rocking myself. The window with its moonlight didn't help though. Despite the darkness, I could see the numerous bumps and bruises I had all over my body. I could feel them as my blood ran cold down my arms and legs.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to laugh. But I couldn't do either.

"You've got to be strong, Hisoka…" I mumbled to myself unconvinced.

I continued to keep my dark face with tears on my eyes unable to cry. I wouldn't let myself cry. And so, I held onto that book I was given so long ago.

It was just a small blue notebook, but I valued it as much as my life.

All I couldn't say was in this notebook. If someone were to ever read this, I would be naked in their eyes. There would be much to hide, but I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. I wrote and wrote my broken poems in it as if it would listen to me. It was my only sanctuary

I learned so long ago to lock and hide my heart where others couldn't find it…

I sighed as I continued to watch the window. I looked down at the desk and folded my hands as I began to sob quietly to myself.

In my mind, it was happening all over again.

_"__Shiritai.  
Ano toki, wasuretai.  
Demo, kimi no me  
Wasurenai.__"_

_Because the invisible scars that are hidden never really go away. These wounds reopen as fast as flesh sliced with a knife._

_I took out the blue notebook inside of my jacket pocket and began to write as if the song were playing aloud on some radio. Only, it was playing painfully from my heart._

_I began to write as fast as I could,  
_

_"__The violin had played softly  
and then I heard its violent outburst.  
I wondered if I could survived the beauty.__"_

_Crying out for the wind,  
The sky keeps on blowing and cries for its forsaken dream.  
A tangible thing and yet not so.  
What is the meaning of all this and where does it all lead?_

_Maybe__…_

_All alone I had time  
To think  
While I was dreaming  
And then you were gone.  
You ran away from me  
And I didn__'__t know what to do.  
I reached out,  
But you didn__'__t reach back._

_Tomorrow__.__  
What does it hold for me?  
If time has stopped,  
What is this reflection?  
I am a ghost among the living  
And then you take my heart  
Without even trying__._

_I want to break you with my hands,  
Want to love you with all my heart,  
Don__'__t want to kill you  
With all these feelings._

_The sleeping you  
Is sleeping so still  
There you are  
And when I touch you,  
You will disappear,  
And will you leave me again?_

_I want to shout out that this  
Isn__'__t the way it should be.  
Wait a minute,  
I want to  
To__…__  
I don__'__t know what I want to say,  
But understand  
When I break through that barrier,  
Take me in,  
Take all of me,  
But if I say cry,  
Don__'__t cry for me__.__  
Do anything you want, but don__'__t you leave me to die as  
I was once__._

_Time has stopped and there is no tomorrow,  
What is death when you  
Already are__…__?"_

Click.

I immediately closed the book with my eyes closed and a hand over it.

And there I found myself. I was locking myself all over again.

It was then that Tsuzuki came into the room with a wave. I nodded my head to acknowledge his presence, but I continued to stare out the window.

"What's wrong?" he asked as he came over to me and patted my shoulder.

"Oh, what's that? May I look?" He began to smile evilly as I looked around in alarm when he began to take the notebook from my hands and open it.

"Hisoka has a diary~," he teased.

"NO DON'T!" I shouted more than I should have as I instantly got up. "DON'T READ IT TSUZUKI!"

Tsuzuki looked at me in shock and blinked at me in wide surprise. "I've…I've never seen you react that way before, Hisoka." He turned a little pale. "I'm sorry."  
"Please, give me back my notebook," I asked politely.

He handed it over, but at that moment, I heard the song again and fell to my knees.  
I started to cry as I shook my head as I cupped my ears in desperation, "Please, make it stop. Please make it stop…"

Tsuzuki looked around confused as I watched him embrace me. I quivered quietly.

"There's nothing playing, Hisoka," he said. "I think you should go home."

"I heard it this afternoon. That beautiful song with the violin…" I breathlessly said. "It was the one that played whenever I was…I was…" I couldn't finish my sentence.

"Shh…" Tsuzuki comforted as he embraced me. "It's not playing now, Hisoka. Don't worry-"  
"I only had that book, Tsuzuki. It was my only sanctuary…" I mumbled helplessly. "I locked myself in there. It was the only thing I could do."

Tsuzuki continued to hold me as he sat against the wall and pulled me over to him. Tightly, he held me as he whispered, "No, Hisoka is here with me. You're not anywhere else…You are here with me now."

I leaned on his chest and looked up to his purple eyes.

That's right…You're right.

"Don't ever leave me, Tsuzuki," I whispered softly. "I…I don't know what I would do."  
"I promised I wouldn't," he answered back.

At that moment, I gave him my notebook. And with it, I remembered the time the beautiful woman who had given it to me.

"But-" he protested.  
"I don't think I'll need it anymore," I gently whispered as I closed my eyes and felt relieved in his arms. "Will you keep it instead, Tsuzuki?"

"Okay," he softly replied.

**Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note:** I don't know why I did this. All I know is that it was kind of weird. I guess it was the song that I heard. This fic sounds like a role reversal, but I thought Hisoka when I heard a certain song and reacting in this way. But I am sorry for all these "songs". I love music and so I can't help it.

**Translation to the song:**

Shiritai.  
I want to know.

Ano toki, wasuretai.  
That time, I want to forget.

Demo, kimi no me  
Wasurenai.  
But your eyes, I can't forget.

Dokomade mo  
Ikitai yo.  
Wherever, I want to go!

East, West, North, South.

Demo, iru ka?  
But do I exist?

Loku shite  
Kakurete itte  
Kono heya no naka de,  
Locked and hiding  
Inside of this room,

Kokoro ga yowai, ne?  
The heart is weak, right?

Soshite,  
Samui ni naritai.  
And so I want to become cold.

If I become that way,  
Then I can keep my heart alive,  
Where it's actually dead.

Shiritai.  
I want to know.

Ano bashou wasuretai  
That place, I want to forget

Demo, boku no te  
Wasurenai.  
But my hands, I can't forget.

Aoi. Akai.  
Blue. Red.

The blood flows.

Dokomade mo  
Wherever

Demo, kono jinsei ga  
Jibun wo kimeta?  
But is this life one that I had chosen?

Kowashita gurasu  
Kono kokoro no naka de.  
Inside of this heart,  
The glass has shattered/broken.

Omoi ga tsuyoi ne?  
Thoughts are strong, right?

Soshite,  
Hi ni naritai.  
And so then,  
I want to become fire.

If I become that way,  
Then I can keep myself alive,  
Where I can hurt no more.

(instrumental)

Kokoro ga yowai, ne?  
The heart is weak, right?

Ningen to ningyo  
Human and doll

Kono line ga…

Nai.

This line…  
Doesn't exist.

If that's so,  
I'll lock myself in  
My own sanctuary…

**August 17, 2002**


End file.
